Darwin Choir

Portugal 2002 - The quote book

I can’t get it up again. (Mark has trouble with his music stand)

If the boat club had come along we would have had some tools with us. (Chester offers him some consolation)

I wouldn’t mind feeling Owain’s groin. (Lucy, actually lusting after Michael Owen)

You missed a beat. (Dave)

I didn’t – I just rushed through them. (Mark)

It’s the national symbol of Portugal – a lion shagging an eagle. (Mark explains the statue to us)

I sometimes wish I were a woman so I could wear all these beautiful things. (Ian)

I can go for hours. (Dave on his drinking habits)

I have a big spot right there. (Dave demonstrates his camera)

I like Chester’s actually. (Lucy)

I wonder if they’re real pigeons. (Marisa looks at the statue outside the pigeon café)

I’m an animal. (Dave)

I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done, even touching Alison’s knee. (Chester)

You’re a doctor, you should know that’s not my knee. (Alison)

Ian, you’re bonkers, completely bonkers. (Everyone except Ian)

The name’s bonkers, completely bonkers. (Andrew)

Philip knows where he’s going. He has had a rehearsal, but unfortunately he has no organ (Chester)

The trouble is it’s all noise and no delivery. (Alison)

Rather like a faked orgasm. (Chester)

We should call him Detour. (Philip invents a new name for Artur)

I’ve always been a back-room boy. (More revelations from Chester)

I want some little Egyptian boy to do it for me. (Ian wanting a break from packing)

Are U2 Irish? (Ella)

No, I’m Welsh. (Richard)

I want to have the sopranos on the back row. (Mark’s interesting new rehearsal technique)

…so there was Evelyn Waugh and Auberon Waugh, and it was during the war… (Ian speaks about traumatic childhood experiences with bananas)

Do, a dear, a female dear … I’m Mary Poppins! (Ian finds himself in the wrong film)

It’s got diaphragm under ‘relationships and sex’. (Andrew thinks it’s talking about the one under your lungs)

Ooh, tickle my diaphragm. (Dave does too)

I stain my trousers regularly. (Ian)

You’ve got to hold your breath and suck hard. (Chester on the drinking fountain)

You should be good at that, Helen. (Mark)

Get your head down and your lips around the ring. (Chester explaining more about the drinking fountain)

I can’t speak Portuguese, so I’ll speak in English very slowly. (Chester begins his speech at Coimbra)

I’m not going to ramble on, but … (another of Chester’s favourite opening gambits)

I was having a lovely time in my bath – I was thinking of Alison. (Chester)

You must wear shorts. Never miss an opportunity to show off your assets. (Chester’s sartorial advice to Andrew)

Tiffany, can you smell my feet? You’re good at smells. (Ian)

… and then I want to find a pharmacy. (Alison)

The tram museum? (Chester)

I have no sense of taste or of smell so I have to excite my senses in other ways. (Chester)

It has been proved that you have meat flaps. (Mark after much steak and gambas)

My meat flaps have now closed. (Dave)

Ooh, I wish I could do Ian. (Andrew)

You have nice baskets. (Chester to the lady at Offley’s)

It’s a tubular object about this long – it’s my souvenir for Liz. I wanted to get her a bonker, but there weren’t any on sale. (Chester talks about a tube of Maltesers)

The real tingle is in the tip (Chester’s experience with an Orgasmatron)

Oh dear! What hath the night us taught?

Owain fell into the path of a jugernaught.

He was under the influence of some port.

Nobody knew he had died. (Mark and Helen’s lament on returning from Swing)

Chez Lapin does the best flaming sausage in Porto. (Philip)

I’ve already eaten a bloody nipple; I’m not eating a flaming sausage! (Ian)

Ought we to get his equipment out? (Ian is worried about Chester)

Owain always looks like he has a fork stuck up his arse. (Helen)

It just got bigger and bigger. (Fiorella on her candyfloss)

Ooh! You’ve just discovered that? (Ian to the archaeology lady)

Can I have you and time you Owain? (Helen)

My mother looks after children with special needs and has one who drinks his own urine. (Ian)

Chester minute (Andrew’s new name for Just a Minute)

I spoke slowly in case you only understood Portuguese. (Chester on speaking for a minute in JIM)

Why not cut out the middle man, save yourself a lot of trouble and pour it down the loo? (Edmund on seeing Ian holding a glass of Super Bock in the lavatory)

If you blow it and squeeze it at the same time then … (Dave on his hammer)

You get a much better effect. (Mark)

Turn again Wittington

Thou worthy citizen,

Lord Mayor of London,

You and your cat.

Mind the

Pigeon.

Strew streets with gold.

Fill up your sack.

(Everyone at every possible opportunity)

Turn again Chester White

Thou worthy citizen,

College Praelector,

You and your pipe.

(Mark)